I got married when I was 31. The attitude about this age for marriage is slowly changing, but by most standards, I'm sure it was a little late (for, ya know, a first marriage at least...we are in Oklahoma). This wasn't for a lack of lovely men asking if I was interested in spending a lifetime with them, nor was it because I felt ill will towards the institution. Though I hadn't seen many marriages that worked well, I had heaps of respect for that kind of commitment to another. It seemed very real, very raw. Up until late 2012, I hadn't felt that I was ready for anything that intense...and I wasn't into the idea of having to answer to anyone else for my life. But, when it swooped in and happened for me, it did so quickly and passionately. And, the woman who has only had blind faith in herself and nothing else decided to share that faith with another and believe he was as serious as I was.
And then, reality sets in firmly. You've each got your own bullshit and your own attitude problems, but you work at it because you took this extremely meaningful oath that you said you would...and you ignore your gut feelings about distrust because he took the same vows as you...and you try to talk everything out because you know that if there's one thing you're good at, it's communicating...
There's so many details being left out here, and most would make me look silly and probably a little dumb. "Really? It took you that long to see that he would ultimately betray you?" is I'm sure a question many of you would have for me if I gave examples of how a big part of the last 10 months went down. But hey, I thought if nothing else, I could trust the man I married. He promised the same things to me that I did to him...that had to mean everything, right?
This is not me attempting to make him sound like a villain and myself a saint. Yet, I will say that his moral compass has been shit on by quite a few birds and seems to be hanging sideways and about to break. I did questionable things when I was younger and didn't handle every relationship in a stand-up way, but for fuck's sake, I wasn't married to anyone. That's a big deal. That's the game-changer.
I usually mock my sadness as an attempt to deal. I made up a witty Craigslist post about the night I found out about his infidelity and publicly shamed both him and the girl he was cheating with...because hey, she knew he was married. And there was actual picture evidence attached. Absolute truth is always a defense to libel. Probably shouldn't have fucked with me. I will never, never...as in never, be sorry I did this. I don't care if it's juvenile or any other insult that wants to be thrown my way. It was me in my basic form. And I kinda dig that form. I filed my petition for dissolution of marriage yesterday and promptly bought a necklace from my friend's store that has "TRUST NO BITCH" emblazoned across it. Some people cry in bed for a week when they're sad. I make fun of it and wish nasty, permanent STDs upon the culprits. Different strokes.
But, in all honesty, here is how that kind of betrayal truly feels:
It feels like tears you can't control and a lump in the throat that'll bust through at any moment.
It feels like losing that one friend you know you can never help, no matter how hard you try.
It feels like constantly questioning yourself - your looks, your smarts, your strength, and your likability.
It feels like when your dad didn't show up when he said he would.
It feels like the most annoying heartbreak song on earth that you can't stand but break down to now.
It feels like losing someone and regretting the words you said when that person was alive.
It feels like giving up a little bit more on a humanity you already found to be pretty sketch.
It feels like another hole getting punched into your idealistic nature and what love means to you.
It feels like shit, but it will always feel infinitely worse for you, soon to be ex-husband, than it does for me.
As well it should.